In October 2020, the final results of the UPSC Civil Services Examination were out and for the sixth time, Kajal Srivastava’s name wasn’t on the list.
After years of preparation, sacrifice, and hope, she found herself in a silence that felt heavier than the result itself. It wasn’t just disappointment, it was a kind of emotional exhaustion that no rank list can explain. The kind that builds up when you’ve given everything… and still feel like it’s not enough.
I was tired,” she says. “Tired of proving myself. Tired of chasing peace through performance.
In that quiet moment, her sister stood by her side and gently reminded her: “If you couldn’t serve the country as an IPS officer, maybe something else is waiting for you.”
That same day, Kajal sat down and scribbled three words on a blank page: “TAVASI – my movement of courage.” In Sanskrit, Tavasi (तवसि) means courage – it was her movement to attain and spread courage.
Students of India had the opportunity to connect with Kajal Srivastava, not to talk about exam strategies or success formulas, but to listen. To understand what UPSC felt like from the inside. What it does to your sense of worth. What happens when your dream doesn’t come true and how you begin to dream again.
Her story isn’t just about a competitive exam. It’s about courage, exhaustion, healing, and the quiet rebellion of choosing yourself even when the world only celebrates results.
What UPSC really felt like beyond the books
You know, Kajal, when we hear about UPSC prep from outside, it’s always about discipline and hard work… but hardly anyone talks about what it feels like inside. For you, emotionally, mentally, socially, what were those years really like?
During the preparation, the only good part was the study material, I thoroughly enjoyed studying, to be honest. But the tough part was the wait.
UPSC will test you to your max. But at the same time, it shows you who you really are in a world that rarely lets you slow down and go inward.
So with all honesty, UPSC was a tough journey… but also, it gave me… me.
When failure stops being about marks and starts being about worth
Was there a moment you realised the pressure wasn’t just about the exam but about proving your worth?
The pressure was there, no doubt. At first it was about proving myself to others but if you’re a true aspirant, that fades. Then it becomes personal. About how badly you want it. And that’s where it hurts. I genuinely felt (and maybe I was delusional) that I deserved to be on that list. That made the disappointment worse. And the real pressure? It was the fear that if I didn’t clear it, I had nothing to fall back on.
The breaking point and the first step back
Only if you’re comfortable, tell us what helped you even take that first step back toward yourself?
I gave 7 years and 6 attempts. No phone, no family, no cooler, just one small room. Shayad junoon jab hadh se badhta hai, to kuch aur samajh nahi aata. Sirf lakshya dikhta hai. I was obsessed.
But in my last attempt, when I failed again, I broke. I was angry with God. I was done being hopeful. And then, just 10 seconds later, I felt something shift. I told myself: “I’m not a failure. There must be a reason I sustained this long, even without passing.”
Jab aap sabse neeche chale jaate ho, to dar khatam ho jaata hai. Because from there, the only way is up.
Discovering Kalari and a new version of herself
Then you found Kalaripayattu… What changed inside you when you began training?
Kalaripayattu! If I ever open a UPSC coaching centre, I’ll make it compulsory. From day one, every animalistic posture gave me insane joy and energy. It’s a deeply scientific Indian art form, for both mind and body.
I felt strong. Free. Alive. I stopped caring about “log kya kahenge.” My Guru, Shri Shinto Mathew, gave me strength I never knew I had. I started seeing myself as someone powerful. Infinite. Like: I’m not a loser. I’m dangerous in the best way. I’m going to make history.
To the student who’s hurting silently after failing…
What would you want to tell someone who’s sitting with that silent pain?
You attempted something others didn’t even dare to try that already makes you brave.
And remember this: the moment you take it lightly, the world will too.
Sab log kisi na kisi baat se saamne wale and society ke judgement se darr rahe hote hain and hum sochte hain ki hum hi akele hain jisko society se darr lag raha hai. But you’ll know that we all are fighting some wars within so the moment you become right in your eyes, you are free from all shame.
On family, support, and society’s noise
During UPSC and after, how did your family and community show up for better or worse?
My immediate family like my parents, sisters, best friends were my biggest strength. They never pressured me.
But society… extended family… was horrible.
Still, when I lost all attempts, something flipped. I realised I had nothing left to lose.
That’s when I decided – let them talk. I’ll rebuild myself. And I’ll do it my way.
Starting TAVASI and rewriting her story
Starting your own brand after such a hard time is incredibly brave. How did you find the strength to rebuild?
Anyone who wants to be saved will find a saviour. Mine was Kalari. It taught me self-confidence, self-love, self-belief. I thought: If I’m this good at Kalari, how can I be a failure?
That belief turned into TAVASI – my movement for courage. And my swadesi sportswear brand. It all came naturally, like a reward for not giving up.
Why we must talk about failure more openly
Do you think we talk enough about failure in Indian education and what’s missing?
WE ABSOLUTELY DON’T.
In coaching, if there had been even one session normalising failure, life after UPSC would have been easier. But we’re made to believe that listening to failed aspirants will make us fail too.
It’s ridiculous. I want every student to know: If you didn’t pass this exam, you’re still going to reach a place your imagination can’t even picture right now. Just don’t stop even if you’re going through hell.
Her message to every student who feels their worth depends on one result
What message do you want students to carry especially the ones who feel like their worth depends on clearing an exam?
I get it. It’s hard not to put everything into this exam.
But I believe three things:
- There’s no such thing as a last chance. Every ‘last chance’ is just a second-last one. Time is always right.
- Do the thing you’re madly drawn to. Even if no one believes in it, that is your ikigai.
- Jo mehnat karne se nahi darta, use koi nahi rok sakta. SIRF WAHI LOG ITIHAAS RACHTE HAIN.
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